


In the Shadow of Wonderland

by TaraHarkon



Series: Barold in Wonderland [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Past Violence, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Service Dogs, Unhealthy Relationships, Wonderland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 05:49:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14206467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaraHarkon/pseuds/TaraHarkon
Summary: Barry Bluejeans left Wonderland behind. He's with Lup, with his family. So why can't he get Wonderland to leave him alone?





	In the Shadow of Wonderland

Edward ran his fingers through Barry’s hair, smiling to himself as they watched a group of would-be heroes fighting in the Monster Factory.

“Isn’t it wonderful, Bear-Bear? Pushing them to their limits and seeing who they become? They almost always let each other down.”

Barry leaned into the touch, almost desperate for it. Edward looped an arm around Barry’s waist, leaning against him. One of the adventurers fell to the floor and Barry winced, but Edward only seemed more excited. He kissed Barry’s cheek.

“See what I mean? Just letting each other down.”

For a moment, Barry didn’t respond. He just watched the other two fighting desperately to keep themselves alive and ignoring their friend.

“Yeah... you’re right.”

* * *

Barry Bluejeans sat on his bed and stared at the wall in the semi-darkness of his room. He had a body and his memories again, but he didn’t know what to do with either. A hand rested on his shoulder and he flinched. He heard a soft sigh and turned just slightly to look at Lup.

“Sorry, babe.”

“Bad dreams again?”

He scrubbed at his face and looked down.

“Yeah... I... Yeah. Did I uh... did I wake you?”

Neither of them knew what to say then, how to fill the silence. There were jagged edges where once they had fit together smoothly, torn edges and frayed lines. There was a shadow in Barry’s eyes, a lack of trust that had never been there before. He didn't trust others and he didn't trust himself.

Neither of them slept that night. Barry was too restless, too distant. Lup needed contact, needed closeness. 

When the morning dawned, they orbited each other in the kitchen, too afraid of what might happen if they collided. When they were both settled at the table with a mug of coffee each and a cheerful vase of flowers between them, Lup looked up at Barry. His eyes were on his drink and she could see all the shadows there. After a long moment, she spoke, her voice soft.  
  
"I'm gonna go to Magnus' house today, alright, Barry? I'll be back by dinner."  
  
He set his mug down and scrubbed at his face with his hand. 

"Yeah... I'll uh... I'll be here when you get back."

Lup watched him as she finished her coffee. She knew where he would be. They'd set up the basement as a workshop for him and he seemed to hide down there most days. He would finish his coffee and go hide in the dark. It was like he didn't believe he could exist in the light.

* * *

Magnus lifted a pair of puppies out of one of the kennels lining the walls of his school and set them on the floor so they could go play with the others running about underfoot. Lup was leaning against the wall looking absolutely exhausted.

“I just... I don’t know what to do, Magnus. You know? He’s right there but it’s like there’s a thousand miles between us. And I can’t fucking figure out how to get over to where he is.”

Lup knelt as one of the puppies pawed at her leg and whimpered. She closed her eyes, patting the pup to calm herself and him. Magnus scooped up another and came over to join her. 

“It’s... rough. Trying to learn how we all fit together again. I mean, Luce comes over for tea but you can see how she’s on eggshells. Like she thinks she’s gonna do something wrong and the rest of us will hate her like...”

“Like Taako.”

“Exactly.” Magnus nodded a little. “Think it’s like that?”

Lup shrugged helplessly and slid into a sitting position, pulling the pup onto her lap.

“I don’t know. He’s...” she trailed off and then looked up at Magnus. “Look, it’s like this...”

* * *

Barry stood at the sink, a stack of clean dishes on one side and dirty on the other. He was humming to himself as he picked up another coffee cup. There sure did seem to be a lot of those.

“Hey Bear,” he heard Lup from the living room. “Do you wanna come help me with this?”

He froze, his eyes wide, and the mug slipped from his suddenly numb fingers to shatter on the floor. Another voice was echoing through his mind.

_ “How would you like to help us today?” _

Time stood still and then he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Barry? Are you okay?”

He flinched away from the touch and spun in place, his back against the counter. Then he looked at Lup and stopped. His shoulders were still tense and there was still fear in his eyes, but it was fading slowly.

“I... Sorry... I... I’ll fix it.”

He started to reach for the pieces of broken mug and Lup stopped him, one had on his arm.

“Babe, the mug isn’t what I’m worried about. Are you okay?”

He didn’t answer. What could he say? He could tell her the truth and make her worry more, or lie to her. Neither one was a good option.

* * *

Magnus nodded a little.

“And he didn’t say what was going on?”

Another puppy wiggled into Lup’s lap, snuffling at her hand.

“Not a thing.” She gave that pup a good scratch behind the ears and looked down. “Magnus, what if it’s not him? What if... I don’t know... What if it’s me?”

He looked over and realized, much to his confusion, that Lup was crying. Now, Magnus had seen a lot of things in one hundred years of friendship. He’d seen Lup cry before. He’d seen her bitter grief the first time Taako had died and left her behind. He’d seen her sobbing into Lucretia’s shoulder the year that Taako and Barry had both left her. He’d even seen her tears when she thought no one was looking and she was looking out the window at another world they were only going to leave behind. What he had never seen was this. She didn’t even seem to realize she was crying, the tears silently streaking her cheeks as she stroked the puppy in her lap.

“Lup, that’s... It’s you and Barry. I mean...” Magnus paused, trying to pull his words together. “If you’d done something, he’d have said as much, right?”

She nodded mutely and Magnus continued on.

“Has he talked about what happened when he was alone at all?” When Lup shook her head, Magnus frowned a little. “We found him in Wonderland... And I don’t know how long he was there for... Lup, I know you saw the end of all that, but...”

She closed her eyes, her jaw set.

“If those two fucking hurt him... I almost wish I hadn’t killed them as fast as I did.”

Magnus put a hand on Lup’s shoulder.

“It was bad in there and we were only in there for a few hours. I think... I think Barry might have been there for years.”

* * *

Barry couldn’t talk to Lup about Wonderland. Talking about Wonderland meant talking about  _ Edward _ and how could he possibly explain that to her? How could he explain that he had been so desperate to fill the hole in his heart that he had run into those arms without looking back? Barry couldn’t talk to Taako about it either, for many of the same reasons. And gods, he couldn’t talk to Lucretia about any of it. How could he look her in the eyes with both of them knowing that he had been the instrument of the Liches of Wonderland that day? It was simple, he couldn’t. Instead, he kept it inside and hoped it didn’t consume him. But he knew he was slipping. Slip, slip, slipping away like leaves on the surface of a stream.

* * *

He was laying on a wide, comfortable bed staring up at the ceiling. He could see the lights of Wonderland flickering overhead, all bright and beautiful and ever changing. It was almost like the stories Barry could dimly remember someone... his mother, probably, telling him about the Fey Wildes. The stories told humans like him not to trust in the Fey and their promises, in their beauty and their love. The Fey would only hurt you in the end. And yet, here he was, in a veritable Faerie Land and he fit this place, he belonged. Even though the screams and the very feeling in the air of death tried to tell him that this was not a place for humans, the gentle brush of fingers across his cheek or through his hair, would draw him back into this deadly dance.

“Are you awake, Pooh Bear?”

“Yeah.”

Barry sat up, smiling as Edward entered the room. The elf dropped onto the bed and rested his head in Barry’s lap. Without needing to be asked, Barry ran his fingers through Edward’s hair.

“Long day?”

Edward sighed and shifted so Barry could rub his shoulders instead.

“Just the usual. Although, that annoying head has been interfering with the games again.”

Barry chuckled quietly.

“Want me to uh... to find him for you? I don’t think it would be too hard.”

Edward reached back to grab Barry’s shirt and pulled him roughly down into a kiss.

“None of that now, though I appreciate the sentiment. As much as I’d love to watch you hunt down our little...pest... Lydia and I are keeping him around to be amusing. Eventually, when we tire of him, we’ll get rid of him.”

Lup walked in the door and found Barry still sitting at the kitchen table, now staring into an empty mug. She paused in the doorway, leaning against the solid wood.

“Barry?”

He lifted his gaze from the mug, but didn’t turn. He just stared at the wall opposite him.

“I don’t think I’m okay, Lup.”

She took a few steps closer and raised a hand. She wanted to hold him, to kiss him, to kill for him if that’s what it took. But he stood fast as she got close, stopping her in her tracks. They looked at each other over a scant six inches and a thousand miles.

“We can figure it out. I want to help. Just... just talk to me, okay?”

Barry ran his fingers through his hair and looked away.

“I don’t know how anymore. I... Fuck. I’m sorry, Lup. You don’t... you don’t deserve this. You didn’t do anything and... I’m just... I’m sorry.”

Lup’s outstretched hand fell back to her side and she watched him walk away. That was when epiphany struck her from out of the blue. Lup turned slowly.

“I was thinking about maybe going and spending the weekend with Taako. And Magnus said that he’d really like it if you came to visit, since it’s just him and he really hasn’t seen much of everyone.” Lup crossed her fingers behind her back, hoping he wouldn’t catch the lie. She could just call Magnus later and set things up if Barry went for it. “He’s got all these new puppies and I think he needs a hand.”

Barry hesitated in the doorway. Then he smiled just a little bit.

“That... that sounds great. Have...have fun with Taako, okay?”

Barry had his old duffle bag slung over his shoulder as he walked up to the door of the Hammers and Tails. He could hear the barking inside as he knocked and then the door opened on a harried-looking Magnus.

“Barold! Hey buddy, come on in.”

A veritable swarm of puppies ran circles around a tray of food on the floor and Barry smiled down at them. If someone had asked him during those crazy decades on the Starblaster to describe where he thought Magnus would be when it ended, this would have been pretty damn close.

“Thanks for uh... inviting me over and...”

Magnus slung an arm around Barry’s shoulders and towed him into the house.

“You know you can come by whenever, right? I even have this fancy guest room. If I don’t get guests, then I just have an extra bedroom for my dogs. Don’t make me be the guy who’s dog has a bedroom, Barold.”

For a moment, Barry looked surprised and then he started laughing.

“Like you wouldn’t.”

Magnus threw his hands in the air.

“Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you should say it out loud!”

* * *

Barry walked towards the pair of adventurers standing in the lobby, a slow smile crossing his face as they looked at him with uncertainty.

“Welcome... to Wonderland.”

The pair exchanged a look and then the ranger stepped forward, hand out.

“Are you in charge?”

Barry chuckled quietly, the sound not at all comforting.

“Oh no, not me. I’m just helping out the folks who are running the show. Playing greeter today. Ready to get started?”

 

Not more than a day later, he watched them die. They’d chosen to Trust and suffered for it. Barry shook his head and turned away. Idiots. Didn’t they know not to choose Trust in Wonderland? The other contestants would leave you forsaken in the end anyway. When you pushed them, people would let you down in the end. 

* * *

Barry woke up to a puppy licking his face and for a moment, he wasn’t sure where he was. Then the little pup whimpered and licked him again and Barry sat up. The puppy had short little legs and short fur that was mostly red and white, other than the black splotch across his back almost like a saddle. His right ear flopped over but the left one stuck straight up off his head and his tail was just a stub that wiggled when he got excited.

“Shouldn’t... Shouldn’t you uh... bother Magnus? I don’t know where your food is so...”

He heard a soft laugh and looked up.

“I already fed them. I think the red boy just likes you.”

Barry sat up, carefully shifting the puppy off him.

“Red boy?”

Magnus came over and scooped the dog up, scratching his rump. Then he turned him so Barry could see the bright red collar.

“I don’t want to name all the puppies so I just sort of color code them. So this one is red until he gets his forever home.”

Barry nodded a little and scooted out of the bed, reaching for a clean shirt. Magnus set the puppy bag down on the floor and watched as he ran right back to Barry.

“Me and Ango have been working on training the little guys to help people through stuff. I think Red thinks you need a good lick. It’s like a puppy hug.”

Barry scooped the puppy up, trying to mimic how he’d seen Magnus holding him, and laughed when the puppy immediately started licking his face again.

“Fine, fine, just not the glasses!”

Magnus smiled and turned to leave the room.

“When you’re dressed, come grab breakfast. Bring him with you.”

* * *

It wasn’t until the last day of Barry’s stay that Magnus finally decided it was safe to broach the topic he was, hopefully, going to help Barry start working through. They were both sitting on the floor with the puppies again. Magnus had a few of them that he was working on gesture training with and Barry had the red boy curled up in his lap.

“How long were you in Wonderland?”

Barry tensed in the middle of patting the pup’s ears and looked up at Magnus. Then Red butted his head against Barry’s hand.

“A-about eight years, I... I think.”

Magnus waited a moment, watching the way the red-collared pup nuzzled against Barry until he resumed patting him.

“What happened, buddy?”

* * *

Edward was beside himself with glee. Lydia had sensed it too, he was sure of that. Their new guest was a lich, and a powerful one. Better than that, he was a lich who, for some reason, wasn’t aware of his own power. That was something they could use. 

“It looks like our newest guest is excited to be here, Lydia.”

“Doesn’t he  _ just _ , Edward? It’s always nice to have a happy customer.”

Lydia had disappeared from the stage and reappeared beside Barry, only to be followed a moment later by Edward.

“Sister, dear, are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

He reached out and brushed his fingers lightly across Barry’s cheek, startling the man. Lydia’s smile was a slow smile, a predator’s smile.

“I do indeed. It looks, my dearest brother, as though  _ this time _ our advertisements brought what you’ve been wanting instead of the other way around.”

Oh yes, Edward had ideas for how to use this pet. Especially seeing the way Barry responded to something so simple as a touch.

* * *

“I did things there, Magnus.” Barry was holding the puppy against his chest now, tears in his eyes. “And it’s not like they made me do it. I... Fuck,  _ I wanted to _ . I wanted to make him happy. I... I did... Magnus, I killed people to make him  _ smile _ .”

Magnus got up and carefully moved to sit next to Barry, leaning against the wall.

“Maybe it doesn’t feel like he made you but... Look, I’ve seen this before. There was... I don’t remember all of it.” He paused and Barry looked away. He knew what Magnus had given up in Wonderland, after all. “But I remember that there were people who were so wrapped up in wanting the governor to like them, to support them, to pay attention to them. They’d do... Well, anything. And he was making them like that. Manipulating them. It’s called grooming, Barry.”

Barry took a deep breath.

“That doesn’t change... That doesn’t change what I did.”

Magnus put a hand on Barry’s shoulder and squeezed gently.

“It doesn’t. But you know what it does change? Who’s the guilty one. None of us are going to hold it against you. The stuff you did in there. You know that, right?” Magnus paused. “Not even Lucretia.”

Barry looked up, startled.

“She...she what?”

“She’s not mad at you. Fuck, Barry, she didn’t even realize it was really you until we told her what happened there. And you know what she said then? She said she wished she could have gotten you out.”

Barry opened and closed his mouth a few times, the puppy nuzzling against him again.

“She’s... she’s not mad? Magnus, I... I hurt her.”

“Did you know what would happen?”

Barry didn’t answer immediately.

“No...”

“And would you have done it if you knew?”

Barry looked down.

“No... but...”

Magnus didn’t let Barry finish that thought.

“She’s not mad and you didn’t mean for what happened to happen.” He got to his feet again, looking down at Barry. “If you need to talk again, just come by... And the little guy is going with you.”

Barry started to stand, holding the puppy with both hands.

“Whoa, whoa, but you said these guys were for folks that uh... that really need...” Barry stopped and looked down at the puppy trying to lick his face. “Oh...”

Magnus smiles at him, a little sadly, and gave the only response he could.

“We’ve been worried about you, buddy.”

* * *

Barry sat on the couch with the puppy on his lap while he waited for Lup to get home. He was going to need to come up with a name for his new friend, he supposed. That was going to be interesting. After a moment, he realized he was also going to have to tell Lup they had a dog now. He looked down at the pup curled up with his head on Barry’s arm and tried to think.

“I could uh... I could call you... Spot, maybe?”

The pup looked up at him almost indignantly and Barry chuckled.

“Okay, not that.”

The door opened then and Barry looked up. Lup stood silhouetted in the doorway, the setting sun behind her, and not for the first time he thought that she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

“Hey Bear, you’re home earlier than I thought.” She held up a bag. “I got takeout if that’s cool. It’s from that place in Neverwinter that pretends to be Tesseralian and usually fucks it up, but Taako said they almost got the sauce right last week so I figured- Is that a puppy?”

Barry almost hadn’t followed her rapid change of topic until the dog in question had sat up and gave a quiet woof of greeting. He rested a shaking hand on the pup’s back.

“It’s okay, buddy.” It was hard to be sure which of them he was trying to calm. “Uh... yeah. Magnus... Magnus decided I needed a dog. He said that the uh... the puppy can help me with the stuff that’s going on in my uh... in my head, you know?”

Lup settled on the couch beside him, putting the bag of takeout on the table.

“That’s great, babe. Picked out a name yet?”

Barry shook his head a little, leaning forward to grab a plate.

“Not yet. It’s only been like... three hours, Lup. It took me a month to name the Animus Bell and it was literally a bell that works with the animus force.”

She laughed and tossed him a roll.

“Remember when Magnus said you should just call it the Spooky Ding Dong?”

He barely caught the roll, the puppy sniffing at it.

“You wouldn’t like that, I promise.” He reached for one of the treats Magnus had given him for the dog to have instead. “Magnus didn’t come up with that. Merle had said it first, before you and Taako were done in the kitchen. I still can’t believe that man named the Gaia Sash.”

Lup leaned against Barry, a smile on her face.

“I’m really glad you had a good weekend, babe. It’s... it’s nice to see you smiling again.”

That reminder was all it took to shatter the quiet comfortableness between them again. Barry started to stand, only to have the puppy suddenly scramble to keep from falling. He’d forgotten.

“Sorry, buddy. Sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

Lup had pulled away slightly when he moved. She was looking at him with that worry in her eyes again, like she was trying to figure out what she’d done and how to take it back. Barry closed his eyes, patting the dog until his breathing went back to normal.

“Barry?”

She sounded tentative, almost scared.  _ Fuck _ . Barry didn’t want this. He didn’t want any of this. He didn’t want Lup to be worried about him. He didn’t want to keep spiraling out of control. He didn’t want to keep thinking about Edward and Lydia and the things he had done. He just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. He just wanted to get out from under the shadow of Wonderland.

He looked up, meeting Lup’s eyes.

“Sorry, babe. Just... Sorry.”

* * *

There were two people Lucretia hadn’t expected to see at the door to her personal quarters at the new Bureau of Benevolence, so when she opened the door to find both Taako and Barry standing in front of her, she had stepped aside and let them in without a word. Taako had his arms crossed and was wearing both the heels and lipstick Lucretia remembered him once declaring were the absolute best for when he needed to really show just how much he didn’t care about where he was going. Barry was his usual self in a white shirt and jeans with his IPRE robe thrown over it. The only odd part was the puppy trotting along behind him like a little shadow. She started to open her mouth to voice a greeting just as Taako closed the door.

“I’m only here to support Barold. I want you to keep that perfectly square in your mind,  _ Madam Director. _ I’m not here for you.”

Well, Taako was certainly still angry at her. Still, she nodded.

“It’s nice to see you anyway, Taako. How is the school going?”

Taako didn’t answer. He just leaned against the door. Barry had scooped the pup up in his arms and was looking anywhere but at Lucretia.

“Barry, it’s...”

She trailed off as his shoulders slumped. The puppy wiggled, trying to lick his face until he finally had to put the dog back down at his feet.

“I’m sorry, Luce.”

* * *

Lucretia had taken her seat at the chess board nervously. With how everything else had gone in Wonderland, she had no reason to believe this would go any better. The pieces were already laid out on the board and for a moment, she thought that this would be like everywhere else and her opponent would be unseen. Then a door had opened and the specter of her past had walked in. Barry Bluejeans sat down opposite her with a crooked smile the likes of which she’d never seen on his face.

“Barry?”

He couldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be here. And how was he alive? If everything she’d come to understand about what had occurred when she had erased the memories of her friends had truly happened, Barry should have been a lich and yet here he was alive and very much in the flesh and grinning at her like something out of her nightmares.

“You get the first move, Lucretia.”

Terror welled up in her. He knew her name.  _ No. _ This wasn’t really Barry. It couldn’t be. There was no way. There was absolutely no way this was really him. This was just another one of the tricks of Wonderland. Just another way they were tearing her apart slowly. Of course, they would use his face here, to taunt her with what she had done and what she had come here for. 

Lucretia moved a pawn forward to set up her opening gambit, desperately hoping that this construct or illusion wouldn’t be as good at chess as Barry was.

* * *

“You don’t need to apologize, Barry.” Lucretia stepped closer and reached like she wanted to hug him, but hesitated. “If anything, it’s my fault. You should never have been there. I should never have left you there.”

The puppy nudged the back of Barry’s leg, pushing him forward. Barry smiled a little at that and hugged Lucretia. If they both had tears in their eyes, well, neither of them were going to say anything about it. 

“You didn’t know, Luce. And... I don’t want to think about how much worse it uh... it would have been for you if you’d tried. They uh... they wouldn’t have wanted to let me go and...” He stopped for a moment, looking away. “And I wouldn’t have wanted to leave.”

Barry looked over at Taako.

“If uh... if you wanted to go. I’m...”

Taako shook his head, looking up from the stone of farspeech in his hand.

“And have Lulu thinking I abandoned you? What do you take me for, nerd?”

Lucretia and Barry both smiled, the tension between them melting some.

“Let me put the kettle on. I’ve got a bit of that jasmine tea from Legato left, if you’d like some.” She pulled out chairs for both of them, though Taako still didn’t move from his post against the door. “And when did you get a dog, Barry? He’s cute. What’s his name?”

Barry settled into his seat, helping the dog up into his lap.

“I uh... I haven’t exactly come up with a good name yet.”

* * *

Taako leaned against the wrought iron railing and stared down into the river. Barry was kneeling beside him, trying to coax the dog to do his business before they went home.

“Look, it’s been a while since we... talked, you know?”

Barry looked up at Taako, a bit confused.

“What?”

Taako didn’t turn, didn’t look away from the water. He just stared straight ahead.

“Like... on the Starblaster, my dude. We used to talk all the time. Barold, I can tell this shit is eating you alive or whatever, and it’s tearing you and Lup apart and I’m fucking done with it. Spill it. What happened in Wonderland?”

The words spilled out now, just like they had so long ago. It was so easy to tell Taako what was wrong. How had Barry forgotten that? 

“It--It started when I got a flyer saying I could find what I was looking for in Wonderland...”

By the time Barry was done, he and Taako were both sitting with their backs against the railing and Taako had an arm around Barry’s shoulders.

“Hatchi matchi. I’m double glad Lulu disintegrated that bitch.” Then he rested his head against Barry’s shoulder and sighed quietly. “Okay, my dude, cha’boy is going to tell you a story. So you listen good, got me?”

Barry nodded a little and Taako continued.

“So back when I had Sizzle It Up, I had this guy helping me,” Taako hesitated for just a moment. “Sazed. And like, I thought this guy was pretty alright. I thought he got Taako, you know?”

Taako shrugged a little and Barry dimly remembered something he’d heard along the way, something about Glamour Springs.

“Taako?”

“Forty people, Barold. He was trying to kill me.” Taako took a breath. “Fuck, I thought I’d killed those people for years because I was a fuckup of a wizard. I still haven’t remade the recipe. I don’t even remember the last time I cooked with elderberries. All because one asshole couldn’t take no for an answer.”

Barry could feel Taako shaking slightly and turned to hug his best friend, his brother.

“Hey Taako? Love you, buddy.”

Taako snorted but he didn’t refuse the hug.

“You too, Barold.”

* * *

  
_Barry felt the fingers in his hair suddenly clenched into a fist, pulling him back. He hissed in pain and Edward smiled._

_ “Did you really think you could ever leave Wonderland, pet?” Edward twisted Barry’s arm up behind his back, pushing him against the wall where he could only squirm and try not to watch the people dying in the room in front of him. “You’re  mine , Barry Bluejeans. You can never leave and you’re never going to want to leave.” _

_ Barry tried to fight against Edward’s grip, but what could he do? He could feel Edward pressed against him, simultaneously warm and frozen. He was the ice that threatened to crawl into Barry’s veins and kill him, the fire that burned his skin and warmed the cold places in his soul. Edward flicked the button of Barry’s jeans open and slowly unzipped them. _

_ “Here, Bear, let me remind you why you stay.” _

* * *

Barry woke up thrashing, the blanket wrapped around him and tears streaking his face. Then there was a pressure on his chest and a blurry shape licking his face. He relaxed slightly, stroking the dog’s fur.

“Magnus was right, you really are good at this.”

He muttered the words and smiled slightly. Then he looked to see if he’d woken Lup. There she was, curled up beside him and still fast asleep. Barry sighed and laid back down. He wasn’t going to get back to sleep, so he might as well spend the hours until dawn trying to come up with a name for his dog. 

* * *

Lup woke as the sun shone in through their windows. It was early yet and she had expected to find her boyfriend still fast asleep. Instead, she rolled over to see him lying on his back patting the dog and looking at him very seriously.

“What about... Minion?”

“That’s an awful name, Barry.”

Barry looked up and Lup smiled at him. He hadn’t realized she was awake yet.

“Yeah... yeah, it is.”

Lup leaned against Barry and reached over to give the dog a scratch behind the ears.

“He needs a good boy name, Bear. Not like a... creepy fantasy kid’s movie name.”

Barry grabbed the pillow out from under his head and shoved it at Lup.

“I meant because I’m a necromancer! Not the... the... Fuck, Lup, don’t call me out like this!”

They were both laughing now and the dog in question jumped off the bed to get out of the way. 

* * *

“Hello, Sir!”

Angus poked his head into Barry’s workshop, a smile on his face and a bandaid across his cheek. He was home for a break from school and staying with Lup and Barry for a few days. Just until Taako and Kravitz got back from their vacation. Barry returned the smile and set down the small skeleton he was articulating.

“Morning, buddy. Find breakfast alright?”

Angus nodded and walked into the room, stopping near the desk to lean in. He was examining the skeleton minutely, curiosity bright in his eyes.

“Its a mouse. That’s why it’s so small. I uh... I’m experimenting with a new spell to make it easier to put it back together.”

“That’s really cool, Sir! There would be so many ways to use that in solving a mystery!”

Barry couldn’t help but grin at Angus’ enthusiasm.

“I know, buddy. I figured you’d need something like that eventually.”

Angus dropped into the chair Barry kept near his desk. Usually, it was Lup’s, but just as often someone else occupied it while he worked. Angus looked down and saw the still unnamed dog curled up by Barry’s feet.

“Sir?”

“Yeah, Ango?”

Barry had picked his wand back up and was focusing on carefully moving the tiny bones into place.

“Are you alright, Sir?”

Barry tensed for a moment and then sighed, setting his wand back down.

“Why do you uh... ask?”

Angus leaned forward, eyes on Barry and seeming to take in every little thing.

“Taako isn’t, Sir. He has night terrors a lot. And neither is Magnus. Or Merle. Or Kravitz or Lucretia or Lup or anyone.” Angus looked down. “Sometimes, I still have nightmares about the Hunger, Sir. About all of you leaving me behind. But Kravitz said it’s okay. He said that everyone handles the things they go through differently and that the best thing you can do when something bad happens and you’re scared is look for the people who are helping. So I decided that the even better thing to do is to be one of the helping people.”

Barry wasn’t at all surprised when Angus came around the desk and hugged him tightly. He returned the hug, holding this boy he thought of as a nephew tightly. Barry knew Angus only meant the Hunger, that the boy didn't know a thing about the years in Wonderland, but the sentiment was still the same. Angus looked up at Barry.  
  
"So, Sir? Are you alright?"  
  
Barry tousled Angus' hair.  
  
"I'm getting better, buddy. Promise."

* * *

And most days, Barry was doing better. Most days, he made it through. There were still the bad days though, the days when he would go cold at an innocent touch, pull away at a simple word, and he still hadn’t found the words to build the last bridge he needed. Lup was there. She was always right there, but he didn’t know how to reach out. So instead, he reached back.

They had made the deal during the year at Legato. They had agreed to leave each other a box, a care package, for the cycles when one of them ended up alone. Barry didn’t know if Lup had saved the things he had given her (she had), but he had saved all of it. Today, he had that old worn letter she’d written him suspended in the air with a levitation spell while he read through it and tried to find all the ingredients for the chocolate chip cookies Taako had once told him were the best in the multiverse. The clattering and banging filled the kitchen as he grabbed bowls and spoons and tins and bottles and the biggest bag of chocolate chips he’d been able to find. Despite that, the dog was at his feet as ever. He had his back to the door, reaching for the bag of flour on the top shelf, when Lup walked into the kitchen.

“Hey, babe. What’re you up to in here?”

Barry turned, a smile on his face and his mouth open to respond. Instead, the bag of flour tipped and he grabbed for it. He barely caught it but too late. There was flour everywhere including all over him and the dog at his feet.

“I uh... cookies. I was making cookies.”

Lup walked around the counter and took the bag out of his hands, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Want some help, Bear?”

He met her eyes and smiled.

“Yeah, I’d love that, Lup.”

She reached around him for a washcloth and handed it him, returning his smile with one of her own. He turned to the sink to clean his face and his glasses and heard Lup’s soft noise of surprise.

“You kept this? All this time?”

Barry looked down.

“Of course I did. I mean... it was in my cave and stuff so uh... so I didn’t lose it while I was-”

It was the closest he’d come to talking about Wonderland with her and the words just stopped. He felt the dog against his leg and Lup’s hand on his arm and the last wall in him came crashing down.

“Barry?”

Barry raised his head slowly, meeting her eyes. He licked his lips and reached for her hand.

“Let’s-- let’s make these cookies and I’ll... and while we’re doing that I can-- I can tell you about Wonderland.”

There. He’d said it. He’d said the word. Fuck. It was almost a relief. Like a dam bursting and there was no way he could take it back now or any reason he would want to. Lup squeezed his hand gently and set the bag of flour on the counter with everything else he’d pulled out. 

“Take your time, Bear, but... I’m listening, alright?”

And he told her everything. About the forgetting and the wandering and the searching and the cave. About growing the new bodies and the flier and the desperate hope and the horrible ache of loneliness and the weight in his chest that he didn’t remember. About the day that he arrived in Wonderland only knowing that he was looking for someone and not knowing who. 

“And that’s pretty much... pretty much how it was until the boys got there. It was... it was bad.”

Barry was staring at his own hands and Lup stopped, setting the cookie dough. She took his hands in her own and looked into his eyes.

“Bear, I... Just... Holy shit.”

She took a breath, trying to find the words, and he smiled, laughing a little.

“Yeah, that’s uh... that’s pretty accurate.”

Neither of them had the words just yet, but they didn’t need to find them now. They’d made a bridge over the chasm. Lup smiled and stepped into his embrace. They stood like that with her head resting on his shoulder and his hands on her waist for a long moment. It wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t like it had been. But it was better.

After a while, they went back to baking and spread out the little balls of dough out on a baking sheet. Lup put the first batch of cookies in the oven and turned to look at Barry. He was leaning back against the counter with a smile on his face. She grinned and scooped up the flour-covered dog off the floor.

“How about we go wash your friend here while those suckers bake, Bluejeans?”

Barry held the squirming puppy and blinked. He really was absolutely covered in flour and looked like a squirmy little ghost dog. A flicker of something, an old story he’d loved as a kid, and Barry smiled.

“Yeah, Zero could definitely use a bath.”


End file.
